Dear Annoying Spider......

Dear Annoying Spider,

First off I feel you should know I hate spiders.  Not prejudiced by your undying attempt to annoy me....I hate you all big and small.  Secondly, you should know I am not a morning person.  I am not necessarily grouchy or mean just extremely sleepy and want to be left alone.  I get up around 5am daily and want my peace.  My only peace is I don't have to get the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn too! 

For weeks you have managed to make a web between my husband's truck and mine.  For weeks, I have walked through this web each and every morning when leaving for work.  The first couple of times I was grossed out and flailed my arms about while gagging.  I hate spiders!  I hate the feeling of walking through a web then freak out at the fact that the spider might be on me.  My only peace has been obviously you were not on me since you manage to rebuild the web nightly. 

After weeks of this morning ritual, one would think the spider would give up or the human aka moi would realize the routine and look for the web instead of walking through the web!  I began to think you were stupid.  Seriously, how many times will you rebuild the web before you give up?  Then I thought.......wow I am an idiot!!  How many times am I going to walk through it?  In my defense......soooooo not the morning person and the brain doesn't fully kick in until at least 7am when I begin my workday.  I grew to admire your tenacity and smarts realizing I was the stupid one.  I began to resent you for your smarts!  I would think about you everyday while driving to work and secretly still freaking out that you might be on me.  Then I began to anticipate the webs in hopes that the web would verify you never actually touched me when I walked through the web the day before!  Insanity I know!   You took over my morning thoughts for way too long each morning especially since I am giant compared to you.  Then I would feel stupid giving you too much thought!  You can only imagine how stupid I feel writing you a letter!  I began to wonder if somehow this was a hilarious game for you.  You probably built the web, invited over some of your little spidey friends to see the stupid human lady walk through the web then freak out!  I bet you laughed plenty at my expense.

Well I am here to tell you I have won the battle and am here to say I have been victorious.  Typing that sentence cracks me up since it was a battle against a spider that in my thoughts is no larger than the head of a pin.  Any larger and I could still freak out!!  I have beat you at your game!  I am the bigger of the two - like that wasn't obvious!  Since I don't know where you actually live and watch me from afar I thought I would let you know....if I find you, I will kill you.  For now I have decided I will be backing my truck in nightly so I will no longer have to walk through your nasty webs to get into my car!  Yes, it may have taken me a while to figure out a solution but I did it!  Leave me alone!

Sincerely,

The giant compared to you lady who took weeks to beat you at your game.  I will remain anonymous to you to avoid scrutiny over the fact that it took me weeks to outsmart you......I am blaming fear!

DEAR DR. OZ

Dear Dr. Oz,

I always liked watching you on Oprah.  The mere information bonanza was enough to handle the disgusting truths you told.  I was very excited to hear you would be getting your very own television show.  I DVR your show daily and must admit I have a few little tidbits I would like to share with you although odds are you will never read this!!

The Truth Tube - I just don't get it!  There isn't an actually tube that you ask permission for them to "stand in".  It is really more of a platform not a tube and haven't they given permission before they agreed to be on the show.  Just so you know, you would never have my permission to televise my weight or waist size for all the world to see!  You must have some pretty brave guests!  I also want to know if you actually weigh the guests or if they tell you their weight and dress size.  Some of those ladies look like they weigh way more and I KNOW sometimes those dress sizes are WAY off!

The weight loss stories - Along with millions of Americans, I too am overweight and would love to lose weight.  I have lost 33 lbs recently but fear an underlying deadly disease is to blame so I merely choose to say I am eating healthier and move on.  Stress I believe anyway........When you ask the guests their weight loss secrets and they reveal them I just shrug.  Steel cut oats....ugh!   I would appreciate a story that included pop tarts, Nutri Grain bars or cereal for breakfast since I can't seem to like the steel cut oats that EVERYONE seems to love and lose weight eating.  Just a request!!  I know these choices aren't wise or anything you would recommend but I am a busy mom on the go.  My choices are a healthy banana, Nutri Grain bar or a pop tart on my way out the door.  It is either that or nothing at all!  I know you say "choose fresh" when you can but my current income and busy mom status needs to use those "pre-packaged" goods in order for a meal to ever be cooked.  SO why don't you let us know which "pre-packaged" goods are acceptable?!?!?  

The skin crawl factor - Half of your shows have just made my skin crawl!  I watch every evening and my family LOVES to learn all about their body by watching you.  I swear the amount of medical information in your head should make it explode!! The problem is I can't sleep because I am so grossed out!  The parasites like the tape worm.....ugh....gag....ugh! I swear I checked out my own poop for days looking for those little larvae sacks.  Disgusting I tell you!  I sort of hoped to catch some worms to lose weight until I saw this episode.  Then the whole parasite episode which again talked about worms put me over the edge!  Seriously I am thinking of scotch taping the butts of my entire family since now my butt itches at the mere thought of that episode.  Oh my.....the bed bugs show...ugh!  I swear I didn't sleep well for weeks.  I am an insomniac anyway so this did not help matters! (Yes I also watched the insomnia show!)  I woke up a million times a night feeling like something was crawling on me.  I removed draws looking for feces.  I removed the sheets and washed them while inspecting then vacuuming my mattress.  No sign of a single bug but still no sleep!  Thanks!  Between the creepy crawly feeling and the scotch tape that will be on my butt for fear of a parasite, I will never sleep the same again!  No more parasite shows so I don't go buy a microscope and start combing through our family's bowel movements!  Please I beg of you stop!!

Cheesy - I love you!  I really do but you are a tad cheesy on your new show!  Man it up a little!  Most of all I love your honesty but the acting is a little to be desired.  When you try to do all the new exercises, I must admit if I am not laughing then I am fast forwarding.  Probably should pay attention but it is hard when you look so awkward!

Style - I KNOW you have a stylist!  Does this stylist not know YOU DON'T WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK SHOES?  PLEASE!!  Stop with the white socks and black shoes.....this is one of my biggest style pet peeves. 

Kudos - Kudos to you for your honesty and ability to talk about the embarrassing issues that no one else will even think about discussing on television.  Thank you for the show you did about Americans with no insurance!  It was eye opening at its best.  Unemployed for 7 LONG months and one of the millions of Americans now without insurance, this show made me appreciate that nothing is seriously wrong with us and appreciate all that you did for your guests.  Thank you!  Now if you could just find a cure for diabetes then you would be our hero! 

Thank you for all that you do and if by chance you read this please don't invite me to the show to embarrass me!!  I will NOT enter the truth "tube"!  ha!  Remember my family and I still ♥ you!

Sincerely,

Angela

MY DEAREST ISAIAH,

To my dearest Isaiah the son who keeps me on my toes,

Today to your dismay you turned four years old. You planned on going straight from three to five ever since you turned three. I have had quite the time explaining that this won't work and I thought maybe you understood me finally this morning. We'll see! I still think tomorrow you will be back to being five!

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. I will probably say this with each birthday letter I write you since I am told the birth of children is something I will never forget. I say that so much and it sounds cliche but it is very true. I went in for a scheduled c-section EARLY in the morning but other emergencies arose and we didn't get to see you until that afternoon. THE second I saw you I said, "Wow you look just like your Daddy!" We were all excited to see you. Elijah was a little upset since he wanted you to be green but he loved you regardless of your unmartian like looks.

I remember everything about you!

I remember.......

• the colic that began when you were two weeks old which the mere thought of makes my stomach turn and wonder how I made it through!
• praying I could find a pacifier that you would take for those hours of crying
• you NEVER EVER taking a pacifier (a nightmare for a mother of a baby with colic)
• you sleeping in your bouncer until you were four months old because it was the only place you would actually SLEEP!
• the joy when you finally slept through the night at just a little past four months
• you being such a happy baby after the colic was finally over
• the turmoil when you stopped breathing at the pediatrician's office and they had to do CPR
• RSV at nine months which TOTALLY RUINED YOU SLEEPING through the night for A VERY LONG TIME!
• you getting teeth at 4 months then biting the pediatrician when he didn't believe me and stuck his finger in your mouth
• telling people I didn't think you could hear then listening to them rationalize my fears
• your first word being uh-oh not mommy :(
• 10 ear infections in eleven months
• 3 surgeries in two years that you were a little trooper for
• your frustration when trying to fit in a cake pan even though I insisted you wouldn't fit.
• grabbing the camera to capture your face when you finally sat inside the cake pan then wondered why
• you hiding in the refrigerator
• the first time you REALLY heard things
• you pooping on your closet floor because you didn't want to poop in the big potty
• pneumonia when I was told you weren't sick but persisted until I got my answer THREE MONTHS later
• each and every birthday and each and every pivotal moment

I am so proud of you! I started tearing up the other day when we were outside and you heard the train choo choo from MILES AWAY! You thought I was sad and wanted to see the train. It is odd that those tiny moments still get to me! You were playing and said, "I hear a choo choo train Mommy!" All I could say to you was "Me too baby!" while I was screaming inside "THANK YOU GOD THAT HE CAN HEAR!" quietly amazed at how much you have changed through the years. I was so glad you could hear something so far away when just a little over two years prior I stood a foot behind you and you couldn't hear me scream your name. You handled your ear infections, medications, then finally ENT appts, surgeries and hearing tests like a champ! YOU probably won't remember any of that drama but I WILL!

I joke about you being Daddy's twin b/c you two are alike in every way possible. So much so that sometimes it freaks me out! I say you are ornery and bullheaded and you are BUT you are also the one to run in from playing outside JUST to give me a "tiss" (kiss). You are the one to say "I wuv you Mommy don't let the bugs in the bed!" (his version of don't let the bed bugs bite) You are the one who thinks I am your "best mommy ever"! You are the one who constantly has to be reassured that you are a good boy and a big helper! You are the one who always says, "Daddy I am glad you came home" when all he did was walk in the door from work. You are the one who says, "I wuv you buncha bunches!" You are the one who makes me smile and tear up at the same time thinking you are the last baby so I need to savor every moment!

I love you from your curly hair to your signature Zay crooked smile to those chubby little feet with Daddy's toes!

I LOVE YOU BABY BOY WITH ALL MY HEART!

I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY!

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE AND THEN SOME!

With all my love,

Mommy

DEAR.....

Dear Creator of the little rain diddy,

For decades children of all ages have been saying your little diddy ~ "Rain, rain go away come again another day!" My seven year old son who is highly afraid of storms has discovered a problem with your little diddy.

IT. DOES. NOT. WORK!

It seems that lately here in Oklahoma the skies are not listening. Now being a life long resident of the state I have learned that Oklahoma weather can change on a dime but we are stuck in a rut. The past few weeks have been constant rain and by constant I mean 20some days in a row of rain. Our yard can absorb no more water and has taken on the appearance of a swamp. Not so great for "curb appeal"! Mosquitoes love standing water and are multiplying before our eyes. My wood floors have taken on the not so fashionable Mud Paw Print look from the dogs walking in mud anytime they go outside. This Mud Paw Print look will have to remain unless I mop several times per day which is not going to happen. My children want desperately to play outside. I honestly believe they would live outside if possible. Yes, I have debated this issue and at times have thought about buying them a tent or shed to live in so I can have silence. We just want a break from the rain that lasts more than hours. We are beyond playing in the rain puddles since now our yard and streets are just one GIANT puddle.

If you have spent any length of time in Oklahoma, then you know that sunshine directly after a heavy rain although nice for a moment is not a good sign. Instead it is often a sign of tornadoes to come. My seven year old boy HATES tornadoes or even the mere thought of tornadoes. Then comes the weather man with his weather map full of red, green, black and spinning circles indicating tornadoes. I've thought about contacting him also to see if we could switch up the colors in hopes that my son will stop panicking anytime he sees RED on the map! We watch to know when to take shelter but it makes my son a wreck. The only good thing about those moments is I know he can read a map, he can locate our town and tell us if we are in the "red" zone. The bad news is he clings to me and asks about every half second if a tornado is coming. He was fine until I had to put them in the closet twice last year and now he is terrified. If you are an Oklahoman, then during the heavy storms you are doing one of three things ~ (1) taking shelter (2) watching the weatherman on TV (3) standing outside looking at the sky. YES, we stand outside observing all too often. We haven't just been getting "April Showers" in May but instead STORM after HEAVY STORM after THUNDERSTORMS after FLASH FLOODS and TORNADO watches and warnings EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!! We are tired of it and your little diddy is not doing a thing!

Last night my seven year old and I altered your little diddy until we had it perfected then we chanted it many many times. We are hoping it will work and are letting you know about the not so minor changes so you can spread the word. It goes a little something like this:

"Rain, rain go away!
Come again another day
preferably not tomorrow, the next day or the day after that!

Not so many days in a row
our poor Daddy hates to mow!

You make our yard all muddy and wet
so bad that all dirty we get!

Tornadoes make us tend to fret
so go away, try Tibet!

We know you make the flowers grow
but all this rain just has to go!!

Sprinkles daily would be fine
but to that you are confined.

No storms, tornadoes or flash floods
if this is done we could be buds!

Daily storms are such a drag
I'm sorry we don't mean to nag.

We hope you listened to what we ask
and hope you can complete this task!"

THE END!

I know your little diddy has been a time honored tradition for many but due to the lack of response we were forced to make a few alterations and clarify our needs. I am hoping this clearer version of our expectations will take hold and the constant rain will cease. Maybe the clouds did not understand "another day" does not mean each and every single day for about a month. We hope this mends our situation here in Tornado Alley/Green Country/Oklahoma and chanted it again this morning JUST IN CASE! I am writing to let you know about the clarifications in hopes that you will spread the word. We have to admit it is long but quite catchy ~ don't you think!!

Sincerely,

Angela and Elijah

Our "little diddy" creator name shall be Waiting for Rays

(Sun rays if that needs to be cleared up too!!)

DEAR NEW NEIGHBORS

Dear New Neighbors,

I am finding it really hard not to come talk to you in person by beating down your door and flipping out. You moved in almost two weeks ago and I have noticed some irresponsible parenting on your part and it is driving me nuts. I thought it was odd the first couple of times I saw your four year old daughter roaming the streets but now I am beyond annoyed. First she was playing in your next door neighbors yard ~ not a problem ~ BUT now she roams the street and the storms in houses that she has NO business storming into. You are NEVER outside checking on her. The other evening some of the older boys (the other neighbor children that are major trouble makers ~ you know the ones with the overbearing grandmother) pushed your four yr old daughter. When she landed in the street, I went to make sure she was okay only to find her arm scrapped from elbow to wrist and bleeding. I picked her up and carried her 4 houses down and across the street to where you reside. I find it hard to believe that you did not hear her screaming since several other neighbors stepped outside to see what was wrong. Upon arriving a friend of yours opened the door at which point I tried to explain what had happened thinking she was the girl's mother. She cut me off when I tried to introduce myself saying you and your husband were upstairs. First of all, she was not bothered at all that the four year old girl was hurt and that a complete stranger was carrying her home. Now granted the injury was in no way life threatening but again she is only four so in her eyes the arm might as well fell off. I walked back home when within twenty minutes the girl was on my entry sidewalk screaming at the top of her lungs, "He hit me! He freaking hit me!" Apparently one of the trouble makers hit her and I asked them all to just go home!

The next evening my three year old came in crying three separate times saying she had hit him. I was not outside; however, his fifteen yr old brother said she hit him because she wanted to "drive" his car that he was playing with at the time. She is bossy and rude! Now I am all for sharing but she does not need to be hitting my child when she doesn't get her way. He is stubborn, ornery and can be flat out mean at times but she does not need to hit him because she wants what he is playing with at the time. I must say I was amused the next time she tried to hit him and he went and poured a glass of water over her head. Even though it amused me I told him this was wrong and made him apologize then asked her to go home if they couldn't play nicely.

The following night at 8:00PM while I was washing the boys hair in the shower, in popped your FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL! IN. MY. HOUSE! Are you kidding me? First of all, why is she roaming the streets at 8pm ALONE! Second of all, what makes her think she can just walk (right now as I am typing she just walked in again! Seriously!) into my house then into the bathroom where my children are naked in the shower. This child needs a serious lesson on boundaries! I told her she needed to go home and not walk in without knocking first. Little good that did since she just did it again! Apparently, she has been doing this at several houses on the street. I thought you were introducing yourself to the neighbors the other night when I saw you knocking on five different houses. I thought maybe there was hope for you yet, BUT I later found out you were just looking for your daughter!

Now several days later I asked her nicely to stop walking around the flowerbeds that surround my trees in the front. She managed to listen to my request for about five minutes then proceeded to walk in them again! Ugh! She teases my three year old constantly and I am tired of it. Do you ever know where she is? Today my sons were playing with their nice friends from the end of the street and asked if their friends could play in the backyard with them. I probably should have asked "What friends?" before agreeing but I thought they were just playing with those two boys. My sons, the two nice boys and your little girl then proceed to walk through the house and into the backyard. Alrighty then! No biggie! She has now been here for almost an hour and a half without you even wondering where she has been! As I was unloading the dishwasher, your older son (probably 10) who I didn't even know existed comes through my house to go into the backyard too with nothing more than a hi! No knock! No asking permission! No introduction! This is the FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN HIM and he was walking through my house! Then they all come in for drinks at which point I gave them all a glass of water. At this time, your daughter asks for a snack. I gave her goldfish crackers then stewed in my annoyed state. She did say thank you when she put the bowl in my sink which surprised me. I then thought I shouldn't have given her a snack since I do not know her or if she has food allergies. In the past, I would not have even thought twice but Avani is allergic to everything so I have to watch what she eats while she is here.

What kind of parents allow their four year old girl to roam the street of a house they JUST moved into?

What kind of parents don't know where their four year old child is?

Does it not bother you that she is around COMPLETE strangers...ALONE?

What kind of parents allow said child out alone at 8pm?

What parent of a four year old lets them dart across the street?

She NEVER looks before crossing the street and often times she will run through our yard then straight into the street without even slowing down let alone looking both ways.

You do not know us and we do not know you!

You have made NO attempts to introduce yourself which would not be a problem normally BUT YOUR CHILD KEEPS WALKING INTO MY HOUSE UNINVITED! If she had lived here all her life, this would probably not be a big deal but she doesn't even know my name! I would NEVER EVER purposely hurt a child but YOU don't know that! You don't know me, my husband or our children ~ crap you don't even know our first names or probably which house is ours. You don't even know the people of the five houses you knocked on trying to find her earlier in the week. This is getting a little ridiculous! I've tried to bear with her need for boundaries because simply put "it isn't the child's fault" but then I got to thinking. You do not know us and we do not know you! She could easily lie and say we did something to her at which point I am sure you would believe her since yet again YOU DON'T KNOW ME! For this reason, she will not be allowed into our home until a proper introduction is made and her intrusion into our home will no longer be tolerated. I am sending her home now because of this reason alone! I am not trying to be mean to her by not letting her in my home but instead being a responsible adult and parent by keeping mine safe......maybe you should try it! This all boils to the two of you being irresponsible parents and I truly feel sorry for your children.

By the way, you now are the proud owners of the largest house on the block which is even more apparent now with your new, bright, bold paint job! I don't like it but since you don't know me that minor fact should not be cause for concern much like your children! Wow does it stand out! Oh well! I do like the trim color though!

Sincerely,

Angela but since you don't know my name consider me the concerned neighbor/parent who doesn't like the new paint job except the trim color!