TORN ~ THE BATTLE BETWEEN ME, MYSELF AND I

I have been battling something for quite some time. My parents closed their business April 2 and I have been unemployed ever since. I was excited for a bit at the thought of maybe getting to stay home with the boys for the summer. I looked up all kinds of local activities and free things for us to do together. The original plan was to stay home for the summer then return to work when school started. Chances are I would be taking a pay cut and with the boys being out of school, the all day daycare for two boys would probably eat up anything I would have been making. The original plan has changed for two reasons. The first is financially the unemployment benefits just aren't cutting it. The second is I am losing my mind.

I don't which is worse.

Being a stay at home mom and going nuts

OR

the guilt I have for not wanting to be a stay at home mom.

I NEVER had this guilt while working so why do I have it now.

I don't love my kids ANY less than a happy SAHM does and that I can guarantee!

Many times I have posted that I am not the stay at home mom type unless I had access to unlimited funds to shop and do whatever we wanted. I have got tons of needed cleaning and organizing done but there is still plenty more I can do. We do activities but in an effort to save money we don't really go anywhere. I am doing my part by staying home to save money but I just feel trapped then I feel guilty for feeling that way.



I just keep thinking to myself...."Self, do you know how many working Moms in America would die to be able to have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom? You have it so enjoy it!"

I try to look at being unemployed as a positive for right now and cherish the time I have with my beautiful boys but it is getting harder and harder as the summer rolls on. I am literally counting the days until they go back to school and hoping I find a job away from home VERY VERY SOON! I know in my mind the guilt is just the devil playing mind games but I can't help but think I am a bad mom for not wanting to stay home. I NEVER felt guilty for being a working Mother because I didn't really have much of a choice. However, my job afforded me the ability to still take the kids to school every morning, volunteer at their schools, attend class trips and parties and to see them right after they got out of school. It was like I had the best of both worlds....just call me Hannah Montana! I cherished my time with the boys more when our time was more limited although at the time I don't think I realized it. I am there from the time they open their eyes in the morning until they close them at night. I know that is my job as a mother but I truly believe working to pay for the house they live in and the food they eat is my responsibility too. They are driving me nuts. They are bored. I am bored. We have friends' over SEVERAL days a week which just adds to the commotion. I hate commotion! I hate excessive noise! Wow I am losing it folks! It comes down to this........when I don't spend 24/7 with my children, I value my time with them more and I honestly believe I am a better mother. I am not saying being a working Mom was easy and yes things were hectic but I feel like I am drowning. I feel trapped! I feel like a horrible Mother for even thinking it let alone blogging about it but I need to vent and you are my victims. I am in no way looking for pity, sympathy or "No you are a great Mom!" nods ~ I am just venting! I know in my mind that I am a great Mother and have done a great job of raising my children but my heart aches for not loving this opportunity to spend every waking moment with them. Yes we have done fun things. We've gone to the "whyberry" as Zay says it. We've been on play dates. We've gone swimming and to the splash pad. I was able to take them to swimming lessons this year. We've done crafts, watched movies, played outside when it isn't 150 degrees in the shade. The boys play outside every morning and every evening.......I am telling you....IF allowed they would live outside......NOTE TO SELF: find a CHEAP tent!! I think the fact that we are no longer "financially comfortable" plays a huge role too. While talking to my friend the other day, I said I think it is easier to be broke for a long time than to be comfortable for so long then be broke. We are used to doing things. We are used to eating out a couple of times a week. BUT I've come to realization ~ that is why we are where we are today! We did not SAVE as much as we SHOULD have and enjoyed what we had a little too much! We saved, just not enough! LESSON LEARNED!

I feel bad by saying I am not the "stay-at-home Mom type" but I am not. I know I will probably get many comments for that statement. I know there are Mothers out there who would have it no other way and there are Mothers who just wish they could but ME.......I NEED A JOB FOR MY SANITY and the boys' agree. Just the other night we were at my brother's house for my niece's 15th birthday party and the boys were so happy to see people other than me it was ridiculous!! They ask EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. MANY. TIMES. A. DAY. to go to Meme and Papa's, Uncle Rob's or "Turt" and Karen's house. When my Mom and Dad showed up they were so excited. Zay sat in my Mom's lap for awhile and when she asked, "Do you like Mommy staying home with you for the summer?" Zay answered with a confident, "No!" However, when asked if he loved me he answered with a confident, "Yes!" So there you have it folks ~ yes, my kids love me but they no longer like being around me!! How freaking sad is that!! I must say though the feeling is becoming mutual and we need many many days apart to "miss" each other again! I am not enjoying it like I should I know. I love my kids and would do anything in the world for them but I now know I AM A BETTER MOM WHEN I AM WORKING AND HAVE TIME FOR ME! Wow does that sound too selfish? THE SOLUTION: a long retail therapy session by myself with unlimited funds (I LOVE RETAIL THERAPY!), a manicure, pedicure, massage, a trip away with my girls AND A NICE LONG FAMILY VACATION!! This is the first time we've stayed home for this long! Ok ok I am done repeating myself over and over and since we have no money for any of the above......I am off to read "whyberry" books to the boys.......it's ok you all know I'll be back in a bit!

A PARTY & A GOODBYE ALL IN ONE AFTERNOON

About a month ago we finally did our end of season Basketball party. Our team did awesome this year and ended the season in third place. I tried for over a month to plan the end of season party but every time I planned it the forecast would be rain and I would have to reschedule. Finally our other coach Bryan who also helped coach our football team found out last minute he would be moving to California b/c of a job offer and it was do or die planning. We planned the party in a day and ended up inviting our entire football team also so he could say goodbye to his boys. We consider our basketball team and football team (made mostly of the same boys) to be family and we all stick together. We got really lucky to have such a great team of kids and parents who all got along. We were all very sad to say goodbye to Bryan. He is an amazing coach and great with the boys who all love him and look up to him. Often when asked which boy on the field was his he would say, "They ALL are!" Bryan loves them all. He is an amazing motivator and he will truly be missed. Any team would be lucky to have him as a Coach. His Mom should be very proud of the man she raised. Secretly we are all hoping he hates California and moves back before football season starts again since it will be weird without him.....keep your fingers crossed. They kicked off the party by playing a game of football. They were all glad to see each other again and had a ball!

That's my boy!
Isaiah was less than enthused to be left out plus he was sick!

BA Storm with their 3rd place trophies

Elijah is so cute!

The football team and coaches

BA Gold 2008 CHAMPIONS

It was nice to see them all and only 3 couldn't make it!

I know if you have been a reader from the beginning then you won't believe I am saying this but....

I CAN'T WAIT FOR FOOTBALL SEASON TO START!!!

FRIDAY HIGH FIVE

According to Holiday Insights Bizarre and Unique Holiday list, TODAY is national High Five day SO in honor of that I am posting this evening!!

Time for Friday High Five!

Come join in the fun....please!

Make a list of 5 things ~ ANY five things you want! 5 favorite things, Top 5 Vacation spots, 5 most embarrassing moments, 5 favorite pics, 5 reasons to not pick your nose......A LIST OF ANYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE!

To see my Friday High Five posts for examples, click here!

Post about it, linking back to me (now you can copy and paste the HTML at the bottom of this post for a button!) then sign Mr. Linky!

Please use the Friday High Five URL post in Mr. Linky's URL section instead of your blog URL and here is how: write the post, publish the post, go to edit posts, VIEW the High Five post, copy the URL in the address portion at the top of the screen then paste it in the URL section of Mr.Linky!!

Sounds complicated but it isn't too bad! If you need help, let me know in the comment section!

Go view all the other High Five posts and comment away!

Have fun!

5 signs you might need to lose weight

5. You weigh the same as you did when you gave birth but it has been years since then!

4. Your clothes in the closet no longer fit you and you are on a strict t-shirt and jeans wardrobe simply b/c that is all that fits you! Your belly button is hurting from the button on your favorite pair of jeans!

3. Jiggling ~ enough said!

2. Having to count your chins! Any number higher than ONE is a sure sign!

#1

Trying on clothes brings on bouts of depression and you cry on the way home!

While in the dressing room trying on a cute dress for Easter, you realize you can't get the dress off! It went on so easily, actually doesn't look bad and fits but it won't come off! You begin to panic and wonder if you need to buy the dress and tell the clerk you must wear it out for an event! You finally find a hidden zipper and breathe a sigh of relief only to find it is about two inches long and doesn't help a bit when unzipped! Tears well up in your eyes and you are in between crying, anger and laughter! It is a pure act of God that you finally get the dress over your head in one piece then quickly leave before the tears flow!

P.S. While looking through my blog, I found a few Friday High Fives you all might enjoy and probably haven't read since I had like NO followers back then! They are here and here!

Now you can get this button for your post or sidebar!!
Simply copy the code in the text box and paste it in your post or sidebar! Woohoo! I'm movin' up!

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WHY CAN'T "I" BE SAD?

Many of you have been asking how I am and wondering where I've been and the answer is not good and in bed! Just kidding, well maybe not! Thank you for your concern and here is my issue. It is long and just full of everything I've wanted to say but no one wants me to be sad so HERE is my sad!

My parents opened their own business when I was 10 yrs old. I have worked there ever since. I had to go there before school to work then ride my bike there after school even in elementary school. It was my normal and at the time it was fun and new. I gradually grew to hate it and grew very tired of missing out on things because of work. I feel like I missed out on many things throughout my childhood. I do NOT think I had a "bad" childhood but I missed out on many things in order to help with the family business. I paid for my own car insurance, my gas, my meals if not at home, my clothes, movies, skating and most of my camps and retreats. If it wasn't work or a church related activity, I did not go. I did not attend most school activities because I had to work. Needless to say I was excited to leave for college and get a new job. This would be the ONLY time in my life that I did NOT work for my parents. Upon returning from college, I began working for them again. I quit towards the end of my pregnancy with Elijah but ended up returning to work when he was 6 mos old. I remained there up until last week. I worked with my parents for 23 years. Many times I have wanted to leave but out of guilt and convenience I always stayed. I harbored guilt for many many years due to the fact that NO one knew how to do my job and Dad would always say "We don't know what we would do without you!" It is a compliment and guilt inducing statement all in one! I did payroll, accounts payable, accounts receivable, inventory control, accounting, generating and posting purchase orders, taxes and too many other things to even mention. Most of the time I felt overworked and under paid BUT I always had the convenience to rely on. If the kids were sick, I could stay home. If I had a meeting at one of the schools, I could go. If one of us had to go to the doctor, I could take them. If we wanted to go on vacation, we went. If I had volunteered at one of the schools, I went. Basically, after I had children, this aspect of the job was priceless and so I pressed on.

Our lease at the store was going to end in July of this year. The plan was to close the store unless we found a buyer. We found a buyer but not soon enough. As of Thursday April 2, 2009, I am officially unemployed. The store is closed. There are only a handful of people at this time that seem to understand my emotions. I did NOT just lose my job. I have worked with my Dad and my Uncle EVERY day for so many years. I am sad. No wait as of right now I think I am depressed but rightfully so. I WILL get over it and I WILL move forward and hopefully have a better future but this is all I have known for a very long time ~ over 2/3 of my life. Although we knew it was coming to an end soon, we did not realize Thursday would be our last day. I did not find out it was official until Saturday night and I don't believe I have cried that hard since my Grandfather died in 2003.

It hurts!

I am NOT just looking at the negative but I am sad ~ truly sad. I learned so much and basically grew up there. I am trying to be the "strong one" and have only broken down into little bitty pieces with a couple of people or when I am in the car alone. It is funny how that used to be my happy place ~ in the car alone singing at the top of my lungs ~ but NOW it is where I am the saddest! I don't know what to do with myself. I have decided I FOR SURE would go insane being a SAHM. My kids are at school and I am going nuts. I have things I can do but I just don't WANT to do them. I no longer have an excuse for my house being dirty but I don't want to clean it. I catch myself just staring off in a daze. In fact, Monday I was at the store helping clean up some things when my Dad called my name several times without me hearing him. I was sitting in a chair by the register in a daze spinning a pair of scissors on my finger. He said this is how he was on Saturday. Then he had me make a poster with a note to all of our customers and friends about the closing and I couldn't hang it on the door. It was as if hanging the poster made it all official and I teared up every time I was asked if I was going to hang it. I've wanted a change for so long and now that it is finally here ~ I don't know what to do with myself. Most people don't understand and a few have said to stop looking at the negative but until they are in my shoes I don't feel that is an appropriate thing to say. I am not being "negative" but I am I would think understandably upset. The people who truly know me understand why I am upset but others....not so much!! How can you say that when I am the one picking my Father up off the floor when he is bawling? When I am the one telling him we will all be ok when in fact I am scared to death? No matter how weak he is in the moment, he is still MY big, strong Daddy and I am the one watching him fall apart at the seams. He just keeps saying, "I knew it would end and I knew it would be soon but I never wanted it to end like this!" It is hard to watch him cry and I am trying my best NOT to break down in front of anyone but when I am alone I am scared. His health has declined rapidly over the past 8 months and I hope with less stress and more rest he can become his old self. Right now, he feels like a failure and he is scared he is disappointing his entire family but hopefully this much needed and deserved time off will make him realize we will always be there and he is not disappointing us. I want to quit crying and I don't want to sleep but sleeping is all that keeps me sane for the time being. I will overcome this and move on but I need time. I don't know what I will do or for that matter I don't know what I want to do. I can type like no other and I have years of experience in certain things but every time I find a job that seems perfect for my skills it says, "College degree required!" I don't have a college degree for THAT skill but I CAN do it. Will they overlook the degree and give me the job based on my skills and years of experience? I don't know! I need to finish our taxes. I need to do a resume but instead I am blogging since I KNOW how to do that and it requires no degree! We will be fine. I have to believe this. I have to believe this is a blessing in disguise and our future will only get brighter but then I think of all my memories and start to cry again.

Do you know how many people I have met over the course of 23 yrs? Do you know how many of them know me by name? Do you know I see at least one customer of ours every time I get groceries and now they will have a ton of questions that will make me want to cry? Do you know that some of the people I have worked with are no longer friends but family to me? Do you know I am heart broken? Do you know I am sitting here alone typing away and crying? I just want someone here to hug me and let me cry without telling me every thing will be fine. I just want to cry and be allowed to cry, be sad and let it all out. Do you know I wanted this so bad and now that it is here I am a wreck? Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why do I always have to pick up the pieces when all I want to do is scatter them around for someone else to pick up? I want to scream, "I am always the "happy go lucky, funny" gal so let me just have my sad moment before I move on with the rest of my life!" Do you know I feel better just typing all of the things that have been in my head? Thank you for listening and I hope I didn't depress anyone! I will be ok....I just need time! Well now I have to wash my face, put eye drops in my eyes then cry my way to get groceries praying I don't run into anyone I know before I get the boys from school! Fun times!

Thanks to Chai, Mel, Karen and Lisa for being my listening ears and my shoulder to cry on!

LET'S CALL HIM CRASH!

This morning like always it was a mad dash to the car to pick up Avani AND get Tez to school on time.

Imagine that!

It was much easier in the mornings before Isaiah had his tonsils out. Sure he never really got 'GOOD, DEEP' sleep and he couldn't breath and he snored and........well you get the point BUT he would be awake every morning ready to greet the day.

NOW not so much!

He is healthy, not snoring and sleeping I mean REALLY sleeping.

Sometimes I have to make sure he is still breathing because I can't hear him!

Sad but true!

Now that he is really sleeping he is a booger to get up in the mornings and getting as bad as Elijah.

Yes....hush.....I know....I am the one that told you guys remember......Elijah is just like me. He can stay up for forever and hates to wakeup or should I say he hates to be woken up. If he wakes up on his own, then he is fine. Ok so I hate to be woken up by anyone BUT I do not cry, yell, flip out, scream....that is just plain ridiculous and now I am getting two of them like that....ugh!

Wow I got derailed on this post! Anyway mad dash out the door......

...boys running carrying backpacks, lunch pails with their coats barely hangin' on....

...then it happens!

Like always!

It freaking drives me up a wall........

......Elijah and Isaiah are speed walking down the sidewalk when Isaiah attempts *with racing announcer voices and full blown car noises* to pass Elijah and slams into him.....

...Where does he get this?

The movie CARS!

It drives me insane.

He does it to everyone. Just cuts you off, trips you, makes you fall and just plum makes me want to.......

...Leave that portion out to avoid DHS! lol

So anyway he keeps getting in trouble for this and I am at my wits end. Isaiah was unable to pass Elijah because Elijah slammed right back into him. Go Elijah! Now it sounds rough but Isaiah is a rough and tough kid and he did not fall but he started to scream. My you deserve it attitude loving motherly voice said, "Your all right get in the car please!" while I was thinking "it's about time someone did it to you! How do you like that!?" He is holding himself and crying not like he is hurt physically but like his little world had crashed down upon him. I am thinking "ok I really don't have time for this right now - why can't they just walk to the car and not touch each other" but I say, "Did you get hurt?"

His answer as tears just stream down his face, "Yes! I need to go to the doctor."

A little concerned, "Why where are you hurt?"

Isaiah still crying and obviously VERY upset says,

"E-yi-ya (his version of Elijah) bwoke my heart!"

Aww....so sweet!

Yes it was cute but we all had to laugh and get buckled into the car!

IT'S OFFICIAL: I HAVE A BIG BUTT!

Every Christmas we go to my MIL's house to take her present and sit for awhile in the evening. Needless to say going there is not something I look forward to however she is my husband's mother and I do it for him. Don't get me started on my issues surrounding her and holidays that involve presents! My hubby has one Aunt that actually speaks to me and she is the sweetest lady but Christmas night she broke my heart. As we were getting out of the car she was walking out the door to leave. It saddened me a little at first knowing she was my only hope for conversation. After hugging and loving on Martez and our boys (she is the only one that does that too), she said, "Come here Angel give me a hug! I haven't seen you guys in so long."

I obliged and as I was walking away she said, "Oh my goodness I didn't know! What a blessing! Praise God! I can't believe you guys didn't tell me."

I had absolutely no clue what she was talking about and said, "Huh?"

She said, "You ARE, aren't you?" making the pregnant belly impression with her hand.

I quickly said, "NO I'm just fat but thanks!" holding my stomach and laughing.

She then replied with, "Well your stomach doesn't look pregnant but your butt is so big so I thought maybe you were just carrying your baby weight in your butt!"

"Nope I have always had a big butt!"

She counters with, "Well I've never seen it this big I mean your butt is really big!" This is when my stomach tied into knots, my heart broke into a million pieces and the tears welled up in my eyes. Seriously, I can joke about being a "big girl" with my other "big girl" friends, my "big" parents or my fat uncle but give me a break ~ one comment is enough then let it go. Hey if it is funny I will be the first to laugh but quit while you are ahead!

I just kept walking and said, "Yep thanks for letting me know!" fighting with all my might not to let the tears roll.

She really stopped me to continue, "Look at all that junk in the trunk! Your butt is bigger than mine!" OK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is the point where I wanted to break her little twig body in half. Those of you that have seen my sister and how tiny she is ~ his Aunt is smaller than her. TINY I TELL YOU! My thumb is bigger than her butt! Don't act like you have a big butt ~ you only weigh 75lbs soaking wet! My three year old little boy has a butt bigger than her!

I said with tears in my eyes, "Thank you I get the point I have a big, enormous, massive butt, OK!" I just stood there praying at any point she would realize she was hurting my feelings and she would stop in hopes I wouldn't really cry but alas it continued.

"Well don't take it THAT way! I'm just saying your butt is big! Don't be like that! Look at my butt!..........................." She just went on and on about the gargantuan size of my hinny!

It was taking everything in me not to cry. EVERYTHING! I am not comfortable around his mother's side of the family. PERIOD! This definitely was not helping out! They have never treated me like anything other than an outsider ~ the white girl! I think the thing that annoys me the most is everything they "know" about me is based on their own assumptions because THEY HAVE NEVER ASKED ME ANYTHING about myself since day ONE. They just assume because I am white, my parent's own a business and I grew up in "Broken Arrow" that I "must" have led a charmed and pampered life with silver spoons and all! If only! No one except his Grandma Willie Mae (whom I love most because she sees how her children are and she gets SO annoyed), his Great Aunt Pinkie, his Sister and his Aunt Barb will even acknowledge me let alone speak to me or my children. After eight years, I am still not used to that and I thank God everyday that my family is NOTHING like them when it comes to my husband and children. This happened to me a year ago when my Grandfather-in-law angrily asked, "Who the hell are you and why are you here?" (that is a quote of his words not mine!) He then proceeded to tell me I was a real "fat ass" (that is a quote again of his words not mine) and when I thought at first I had heard him wrong he just repeated it about 5 times! This is the same man that said he was "sick" so he couldn't come to our wedding when in fact he was quoted as saying, "I will never attend a wedding where someone in my family marries a white girl! You don't marry the white girls you just keep them on the side!" Nice I know! Good thing my husband is more like his father's side of the family which I must say are the complete opposite ~ funny, loving, kind, outgoing, talkative.....! Looks like I got a little off topic which is very easy for me if my in-laws are brought up.......where was I.....oh yeah I didn't know there was a certain way to act in this situation and I probably wouldn't have been so upset if she would have just DROPPED IT! I didn't know there was a way to act when a paper thin woman won't quit telling you how big you are! If she were a stranger, then I probably would have had NO problem squashing her like a little bug but she is "family" and normally she is the nicest out of the whole bunch. I honestly don't think she intended to hurt my feelings but then she didn't know what to do so she tried to make it sound like she had a big butt too! Let me give you a visual ~ crackhead! Now she is not actually a drug addict but if you saw her body I guarantee that is the first thing that would come to your mind. She is so incredibly tiny that she looks like she is on drugs, anorexic or both! She is one of those bottomless pits that never gains a pound and struggles to keep weight on! Oh the "struggle"! I'm sorry Barb but our butts are in no way, shape or form comparable so it was a feeble attempt at turning the insults around! I walked away as she was still saying, "You just have big butt it isn't anything to be ashamed of!" The only nice thing I could say was, "Yes I get the picture I have a really big butt that I wasn't ashamed of until you acted like it was the 8th wonder of the world! Now please just DROP IT ALREADY AND GO HOME!"

While thinking about this last night I had several instances pop into my head, enough of them throughout my lifetime to cry myself to sleep. Why do people have to be so cruel? Like the time I was supposed to be in my VERY close high school friend's wedding until her Mom called my Mom to say they didn't make a dress in my size so I couldn't be in the wedding ~ very matter of fact like and not willing to let me go get measured by the store. I had never measured myself before and probably screwed it all up but she did not care! This was ridiculous because at the time I was a size 12/14 but she said I needed a size 24 dress according to my measurements which still TO THIS DAY I am not a 24 so I wonder if it was an excuse to not have me in the wedding b/c I didn't meet her Mother's weight limit. Little did she know I was in college and instead of gaining the "freshman fifteen" I ended up losing 30 pounds my freshman year! Maybe I should go back to college! It really hurt me along with the fact that I then never even got invited to the shower or wedding! I often wondered if my "friend" knew what her Mom had done or if her Mom had a different story to tell her but I haven't talked to her since so I guess I will never know! Needless to say I have grown to appreciate the people who love for WHO I am! I will soon be joining the workout world again in an effort to be healthier and shrink my butt! Not solely because of people's comments but because I went clothes shopping today and the mirror was definitely not my friend! Now I am in a deep, dark, have to lose weight, I am so fat, depression mood! If I don't in fact lose weight, I think I will make a huge career move to become a "big girl" clothes designer! Not every "big girl" is a grandma, not every big girl WANTS her jeans to stretch out and look saggy/baggy after fifteen minutes (I want my clothes to hold me in not allow me to stretch out! I am not after all this ~ pregnant!) and not every "big girl" has Double GG's so quit making those dart things for the boobs so huge!!

A SAD DAY

Today was hard for me! I had decided awhile back that I would redo a room for Tez but not until the custody crap was completely over in case at some point she changed her mind and made everything harder. I didn't want to redo an entire room until he was ours for good! He has been sleeping in Elijah's room and that just needs to end. They are just too far apart in age and although they are good together they are on different levels. Isaiah kept his room. I absolutely LOVE Isaiah's room. Actually I just LOVE his crib! Thanks Lisa! Isaiah has a red crib.......I know you are saying WHAT but yes it is a country red and he has a western room. It is too cute for words!! I realize Isaiah is 3 now and he needs to move out of the crib but really I would have moved him out of it a LONG time ago but he likes his bed. He has only crawled out twice and I kind of like him in it in the morning!! It keeps him out of a little trouble! My friend Shan keeps giving me a hard time about my three year old in a crib but my response is well it isn't my fault he hasn't figured out how to keep getting out. Elijah only lasted 18 months before he would NOT stay in the crib so he got a cool car toddler bed but hey if Isaiah will stay in it then why not!!?? Since the custody stuff ended Monday my sister has been trying to convince me to do his room before school starts which meant this weekend. I decided she was right and I tried to arrange for Tez to go to his mom's house for the weekend so it could be a surprise but alas that didn't pan out for me. This morning I woke up and started packing up everything in Isaiah's room. It was really sad for me! What do I do with it all? I HAD TO KEEP THE CRIB that my wonderful sister painted for me all because I saw a red crib in a picture that I fell in love with! Why do I need to keep it? I just told you I love it and I am having a hard time letting go of the fact that he is my last baby.........sob..sob... boo hoo......! I don't know who to give it to that I KNOW will take care of it and who knows maybe I will just keep it forever and use it for my grand babies. I am just sooooo sad mainly for me but I am still just sad! I got everything cleared out and prepared so tomorrow I can start painting. Major pain in the butt I must say! I had to move all of Zay's clothes into Elijah's room which meant I had to rearrange Elijah's drawers to make everything fit since Isaiah has more drawer stuff than Tez did. I had to move Tez's stuff into Zay's old room. Isaiah came in his room at one point and said sternly, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I tried to explain it on his level however he still looked puzzled but moved on! My day was filled with Goodwill bags, drawer cleaning, toy box cleaning, closet cleaning, vacuuming baseboards, moving furniture, putting stuff into storage.........the list could go on and on. Then this evening I had to go ALL over town looking for a comforter and room accessories for a 14 yr old boy who has never had his own room. This is my weekend challenge! Wish me luck!

MY HEARTBREAKING DILEMNA

CAUTION:

THIS BLOG IS EXTREMELY LONG

Well as many of you already know our Great Dane Miss Daisy Mae better known as Daisy passed away on Mar. 31. I used to be one of those people who didn't understand why people got SO upset over losing a pet. I have lost many pets and cried over some but I was a wreck when Daisy died and still can't really talk about it in detail without breaking down which I will probably do now. I think this blog is more for me than any of you. I am having a really hard time "getting over it" and thought maybe writing/blogging about it would help. Working in the pet business since I was 10 I have seen many people buy new pets when one dies and that is my dilemna now. Do I or don't I? But first a little background................we got Daisy when she was 6 weeks old and Elijah was just a LITTLE 17 month old. She only came up to his butt and they were so cute together. Minor attitude adjustments were made by our two cats but we were all in love with our new puppy and she was a perfect fit. Elijah and Daisy were hilarious together both sweet, innocent, wobbly and clumsy! A few months later we thought we might lose her when she started limping and completely stopped eating. After many trips to the vet fearing the worst she was diagnosed with metabolic bone disease which in short form is basically growing pains and an imbalance of minerals. She made it and grew to be the biggest baby ever. Fast forward to 4 1/2 years later............Daisy was MY dog and she knew it. She was amazing! She was always by my side no matter what, seriously. If I went outside, she went or sat by the door waiting for my return. If I was going to the bathroom and didn't shut the door completely, there she was sitting in front of me repetitively raising her paw up to my chest for me to shake not realizing it was not the best time. I would tell her to get out so she would raise the other paw just in case I changed my mind. If I was home cleaning, she would follow me from room to room. If I was in the garage doing laundry, she was right there waiting for me. She could be totally passed out on the couch that she never learned was not actually her bed and if I left the room she would pop up and follow. She laid on the floor next to the bed that is if she wasn't trying to get on the bed. She slept with us for many months as a puppy NOT BY OUR CHOICE. I would wake up feeling trapped under the covers and there she would be laying between my legs totally paralyzing me between the sheets. Not funny I used to panic! I tried for months to stop it but she would always sneak up in the middle of the night. Soon she got WAY to big to fit on our bed with us but as soon as Martez would leave for work in the morning or if we got out of bed she'd pop up there like it was hers. I never seemed to make her believe it wasn't! She learned to let herself out to pee and then learned to open the door to let herself back in. Boy that really freaked out company! She later trained our English Bulldog to do the same although there are many times I wish she had kept that trick to herself!! I always felt so safe with her! She was sweet but people were VERY intimidated by her size and I liked that to a certain degree. I always thought if someone were to come in they would probably see her and turn around and if they didn't I honestly believe she would NEVER let anyone hurt me or my family. Martez could walk by and smack me on the butt and you could hear her nails on the wood floors running to my "rescue". She did that for any of us though.......sometimes I would smack Martez and call for help just to see her run and try to stop HIM when he was just standing there the whole time! Ha! If Martez and I were playing with the kids on our bed and we got too rowdy, there she was climbing up to stop the chaos and lay on us all! I won't lie Daisy occassionally was not the perfect angel. She would often grab stuff off the kitchen counters but at least she didn't climb on them because it was right at her level for the snatching! And the number one rule in our house was NEVER EVER leave your food unattended because she will snatch it and run out the door within seconds and you can't blame her if you leave it! One time she ran out the door carry a brand new box of cheese bread left on the counter and I think she got it out and ate it whole. Boy that was a hard one for Isaiah to learn!

She liked to play in the snow then track it all in no matter how many times I would shut the door she would just open it and go play. She often got stuck in bathrooms by merely walking in then accidently shutting the door with her hiney while turning around. She would then scratch at the door periodically until someone heard her. I always wondered why she didn't just bark. The scratches were nothing some Old English wouldn't fix! No matter what she did or how annoying it was to keep everything 6ft high, how many meals she stole or just annoying me at times for always being right there........I would give anything to have her back right next to me!!

Mar. 31
4:45am Martez leaves for work and Daisy is asleep.
5:55am I get up and I normally get her to go outside then she will crawl into our bed and watch me get ready BUT I heard her go outside on her own so I just went about the normal morning routine.
6:50am Now I am making the boys lunches and notice Daisy wasn't RIGHT there in case I drop something she is the instant quicker picker upper!! I thought that was odd so I call her name with no response which is HIGHLY unusual. I figured she was playing outside but she would come when she heard her food hit the dish.
7am I put food in Daisy's bowl with no running response. I look out the back glass door and see her laying on the ground which is odd since she only does that when it is sunny. I call her name several times and I stand there thinking to myself wow she is so big. I noticed what at the time seemed to be hiccups and walked out there only to watch my big baby take her final breaths with me pleading for her to just get up. Her stomach was HUGE and hard. I felt SO bad! I was wailing and so freaked out! It isn't like I could just pick her up and take her to the vet. She was easily 150 lbs. or more! I kept calling my mom and dad with no answer. I just stood there bawling loudly wanting anyone to answer the phone. I was in complete shock and had no clue what to do, I felt helpless. I kept saying "No Daisy we have to get in the car!" I kept walking around to the side of the house so the boys wouldn't hear me and see her dead on the ground. I was so hysterical! I finally got ahold of Martez who in disbelief and total fear from me screaming on the phone left work to rush home. I then finally talked to my mom and dad and then the vet. I was so lost! I had no clue what to do. When I was younger we lived in the country and when an animal would die we would just bury it. It is now against the law to bury pets within city limits and even if we wanted to we would have to have them come out to mark the lines. Can you imagine the size of hole we would have to dig about 5ft by 5ft then however deep......we would have to have a backhoe. So I call the vet and ask what I am supposed to do and who to call.....here were my options as explained to me by the vet....1) Bring her into the office and they will arrange to have her cremated 2) I can keep the ashes in a "beautiful, handcrafted" urn or they will scatter them "at a beautiful peaceful" place for us OR option 3) you can call the city and they will pick her up and dispose of her AKA take her to the dump for ONLY $10.......I lost control spouted some unpleasantries at the poor woman and then quickly apologized. I just wanted her buried I didn't know how or where but I wanted her buried not cremated. I have problems just thinking about cremation. It is a personal decision everyone must make and people can fry themselves if they want but it is not for me well or Daisy.
We finally made arrangements for Daisy to be buried at a pet cemetary......and yes nutjobs I have some issues with that simply from seeing the movie as a teenager but hey what was I supposed to do. We load Daisy and take her to the cemetary where we are informed he can not bury Daisy because he does not have a casket large enough for her. He said in 30 years of being a veterinarian and running a pet cemetary he had never seen a dog that large. I said so people don't bury big dogs and he said he hadn't even seen a Dane get that big especially a female. (I am quite sure by the way there are many Danes larger than her that have died and been buried!) Great now what! I explained that although she was a very large girl she was not always that fat in the stomach area and he said she obviously died of "twisted gut or bloat" and was extremely bloated but he had no way to bury her. They called another cemetary for us and they said they would take care of us. So we drove to Pet Memorial Gardens......a much nicer place than the first cemetary anyway. It proceeded to pour down rain get very windy and the electricity went off as soon as we got there. At a pet cemetary in a storm with no electricity......that situation seriously made me think of the movie!! SO we had to sit there until it all subsided and then the electricity came back on...Thank God b/c I don't know how much longer I could cope with my dog dying and having to sit at a pet cemetary with no electricity and really no way out b/c of the storm!!!! The lady was odd but nice she saw Daisy then said WOW she is big! I started crying and said please say you can bury her for me! She said well let me measure her......44in long but only from ears to base of tail (basically this didn't count her head) then 38.5in tall at the shoulder which doesn't include neck and head.....it was awkward because it was still raining and we were measuring her in the back of the truck. She then she measured the caskets....too small....too small.....too small....she thought she would be able to use the next to largest casket however she wouldn't fit so they used the largest casket they had which they had NEVER used before but thankfully only charged me for the one right below it and we had to pay for two lots. I know it sounds completely crazy but she deserved it. I never buried a dog in a cemetary before and don't know if I would again unless they were special like her. I cried everyday straight for at least a week then cried sporatically after that. I looked up her cause of death and bawled as it was described as "excrutiatingly painful" and most will die of shock. You only have 1 to 2 hours to get the dog to the vet and have the costly surgery done before they will die. The guilt just kills me. I constantly think why didn't I check on her when I realized she wasn't in our room since she was in there EVERY morning, why didn't I go outside before I did, was she laying out there just wondering where I was, did she cry for help and I didn't hear her, and did she wait until I finally came outside to take her final couple of breaths? No one can answer all my questions. Now I had the painful task of telling Elijah. He actually did pretty well as far as not crying but he brought it up constantly. Isaiah wouldn't be able to really understand and that entire evening he kept saying "Daidy outside!?!?" Then the next day as I was cooking dinner I could hear Isaiah outside yelling "Daidy comere honey! Where are you? Daidy where are you?" He then came inside asking for her and I attempted to explain she had died and he just yelled at me "Daidy not dead!" and walked through the house yelling for her and then outside again. It was sad but I had to let him look so maybe it would help him understand. It broke my heart listening to him. For weeks out of habit I would call her name, yell at her to get off my bed when I walked out of the bathroom, tell the boys to watch their plates....you name it I did it. I felt so incredibly stupid too! I don't feel as safe anymore. It isn't that I think something will happen to me I think I just relied on her to protect me if God forbid someone were to break in or try to harm my children in anyway. I always felt safe with her. I am sorry this is long but the point of me writing all of this is:
Do I get another Great Dane? If so now or later? Will I constantly compare the new one to her and resent it when it isn't as good? Maybe a different color will help? Would I just be replacing her? I don't know. Then my boys saw a Boston Terrier up at the store and asked if they could hold it. Sure I said and that was it, they fell in love. I would never in my wildest dreams think of ever getting a Boston Terrier. Hello.....Angela and Terriers do not mesh well. I don't like hyper dogs. I think Bostons are bug eyed and ugly. Well we left the puppy there and hours later Elijah comes to me all sad and says, "Mommy I really like that puppy! Can I have him?"
I said, "No baby I am sorry but I think it would be too hyper for mommy. Maybe we'll go look at some Great Dane puppies this weekend."
He replies with, "but I want that little puppy!"
I explained to him that the Boston won't stay that size forever and he would probably just want every puppy he saw that wanted to play with him. He then pleaded, "I want a puppy that will stay small so I can sleep with it and play with it and it won't knock me down." I said, "Well Daisy used to try to sleep with you and you didn't want her to!" He cameback with, "MOM she took my whole bed!" I just started crying! I guess I just assumed we needed another Great Dane but that little fart made me think. We are wanting to sell our house within the next year and find a bigger house so showing a house with a clumsy Great Dane puppy could be a pain. It would be easier to get a small dog now then add a Dane later rather than adding a small dog to a Dane. I guess I never really thought about life without Daisy. She was the most gentle dog and she loved HER boys however she couldn't really play with them. You see Daisy weighed around 150 but in her eyes she was a 10lb lapdog! She would never purposely hurt the boys but sometimes through excitement she would whip them in the head with her tail (which hurts) or knock them down unintentionally of course. They could sleep ON her, play ON her but they couldn't really play WITH her. Well the next day we saw the Boston Terrier again and the smaller of the two is actually really calm, cute and not really buggy eyed. He will play for a while then go off by himself to play then just crawl up in Elijah's lap and fall asleep.

Now the bigger one of the two Boston Terriers I believe is on crack and would never survive in my household but the smaller one is unusually calm. SO FINALLY HERE IS THE HEARTBREAKING DILEMNA: Do I get another Great Dane? Wait a couple of years until the boys are a little bigger and we have a bigger house? Do I get the Boston Terrier? Or simple a smaller breed dog? Can I live with a Boston Terrier? Do I get the dog my boys can play with then get a Great Dane later? Or will the novelty of the small dog wear off and the boys will quit playing with it? WHAT DO I DO?

The Case of the Attack Weedeater

Spring has sprung! I've noticed people are starting their yardwork this week! This is just a friendly warning to those of you who are attempting yardwork for the first time - it will hurt like hell!!!! It's like I told my husband when he suggested we make yardwork a hobby of ours: THERE IS A REASON IT IS CALLED YARDWORK AND NOT YARDHOBBY!!!! The weedeater is not your friend the first five times out!! My own weedeater tried to eat my legs - no joke! Ask anyone who saw me last summer! You see my VERY dear friend Melanie and my sister FAILED to tell me to wear pants until I got used to using the weedeater and then they made fun of my legs all summer! I think they just liked hearing my stories personally! I had seen my sister mow and use the weedeater time and time again wearing shorts without fail! I had never mowed or used a weedeater before in my life before this past summer! My parents wouldn't let me for fear I would cut a foot off when I was younger. Why would they ever think that? Then both my brothers owned lawn care businesses so I never needed too. But this was my year to learn I wanted to learn it all and I guess I learned the hard way!! DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT wear shorts until you have become accustomed to the weedeater!!! It is not your friend! The first time it took me forever to keep the stupid thing running and it wouldn't advance the line. This freaking machine spit weeds at my legs going about 10000 mph! It hurt at first then I think my legs just went numb because I no longer felt anything which wasn't a good thing. I would have quit much sooner if I knew how my legs would have looked! It was a bloody mess! The second time- and yes I was an idiot and wore shorts again- the stupid thing spit out the end of the line at my foot at a rate of 10000 mph and did I mention I was a complete idiot and just wore flip flops!! That is all I wear in summer - flip flops. I am addicted to them! Yea if I could have cut my foot off I would have but it would have cost way too much! (That's funny if you read the previous blog!) So Elijah who was 4 at the time sees the bloody mess called my legs and feet and suggests this "Mommy maybe next time you should have someone who knows how to use the weedeater do it!" Out of the mouths of babes! He obviously didn't know how bad my foot hurt and how angry I was at the time so I just said Thanks Elijah go get mommy some towels to wipe the blood. Now I was more determined than ever! I was going to master this thing called yarkwork even if it killed me in the process but I sure prayed it wouldn't! Okay so the third time I wore pants and thought I was getting the hang of all this and getting obsessive about the line between the lawn and the sidewalk. It had to be deep and perfect! It got easier each time until I decided it was entirely too hot to do yardwork in Oklahoma wearing pants (got that idea once I felt like I was going to pass out)! Now that would suck - fainting while weedeating!! Ok so I was a pro now and back to wearing shorts and my faithful flip flops while doing yardwork. I had some grass thrash marks but so far so good. Then the @$@#@%#$ machine decided to hurl a giant rock at my thigh at you guessed it 10000mph! You can only imagine the pain if it has happened to you! So in pain and shock I move the weedeater into the cable line along the fence but released the button at the thought of no cable! LMAO! Needless to say it gets better with each time but be careful it is not a toy! And for all of you who have friends and family that would rather laugh at the outcome than warn you before hand like me - Don't wear shorts or flip flops until you know how to operate the weedeater successfulyl! Oh yeah and on some mowers did you know you have to turn the self propel on it isn't automatic. And a self propelled mower is a lot heavier than a normal mower if the self propel thingy isn't on! Well that's a whole other story! And no one told me that either not even my husband so he does all the mowing now I stick to my trusty friend the weedeater!! Ha! I have learned to enjoy yardwork or at least the pretty outcome! I still love you Mel or should I say Megan because Melanie wouldn't do that right!!