Dear Annoying Spider......

Dear Annoying Spider,

First off I feel you should know I hate spiders.  Not prejudiced by your undying attempt to annoy me....I hate you all big and small.  Secondly, you should know I am not a morning person.  I am not necessarily grouchy or mean just extremely sleepy and want to be left alone.  I get up around 5am daily and want my peace.  My only peace is I don't have to get the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn too! 

For weeks you have managed to make a web between my husband's truck and mine.  For weeks, I have walked through this web each and every morning when leaving for work.  The first couple of times I was grossed out and flailed my arms about while gagging.  I hate spiders!  I hate the feeling of walking through a web then freak out at the fact that the spider might be on me.  My only peace has been obviously you were not on me since you manage to rebuild the web nightly. 

After weeks of this morning ritual, one would think the spider would give up or the human aka moi would realize the routine and look for the web instead of walking through the web!  I began to think you were stupid.  Seriously, how many times will you rebuild the web before you give up?  Then I thought.......wow I am an idiot!!  How many times am I going to walk through it?  In my defense......soooooo not the morning person and the brain doesn't fully kick in until at least 7am when I begin my workday.  I grew to admire your tenacity and smarts realizing I was the stupid one.  I began to resent you for your smarts!  I would think about you everyday while driving to work and secretly still freaking out that you might be on me.  Then I began to anticipate the webs in hopes that the web would verify you never actually touched me when I walked through the web the day before!  Insanity I know!   You took over my morning thoughts for way too long each morning especially since I am giant compared to you.  Then I would feel stupid giving you too much thought!  You can only imagine how stupid I feel writing you a letter!  I began to wonder if somehow this was a hilarious game for you.  You probably built the web, invited over some of your little spidey friends to see the stupid human lady walk through the web then freak out!  I bet you laughed plenty at my expense.

Well I am here to tell you I have won the battle and am here to say I have been victorious.  Typing that sentence cracks me up since it was a battle against a spider that in my thoughts is no larger than the head of a pin.  Any larger and I could still freak out!!  I have beat you at your game!  I am the bigger of the two - like that wasn't obvious!  Since I don't know where you actually live and watch me from afar I thought I would let you know....if I find you, I will kill you.  For now I have decided I will be backing my truck in nightly so I will no longer have to walk through your nasty webs to get into my car!  Yes, it may have taken me a while to figure out a solution but I did it!  Leave me alone!

Sincerely,

The giant compared to you lady who took weeks to beat you at your game.  I will remain anonymous to you to avoid scrutiny over the fact that it took me weeks to outsmart you......I am blaming fear!

WORLD'S DEADLIEST SPIDER MAKES ME BANANAS

Recently while entering to win many and by many I actually mean TOO many giveaways during the SITS Spring Fling, I came across an Eco-friendly item I really wanted. Through research I found out I could buy it at Whole Foods here in Tulsa. That was the plan since I never win anything....ooo wait I did actually win one of the giveaways but I'll get to that later. Originally I wanted to go the other evening and it is a good thing I did not!!! I decided to wait until Friday when I do most of my errands.

OH. MY. GOODNESS!!

I am so so so so so so so glad I did not go!

I can't even imagine my reaction!

Later that evening while Martez went walking, I decided to watch the news. I watch the news occasionally but mostly just for the weather since all the other crap is just depressing.

Chills ran up my spine as the top story appeared and a local TU professor proceeds to let his ENORMOUS

HUGE

HAIRY

LEGS AS BIG AROUND AS FINGERS

TARANTULA

UGH

GAG

out of its cage to crawl up his arm!

WHY?

Then I couldn't believe my ears as he says TO THE SPIDER,

"Comere (as in come here) Cuddles!"

CUDDLES?

SERIOUSLY?!?!

The spider then crawls up his arm as he is talking about the World's Deadliest Spider ~ the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka the Banana Spider ~ that was found AT the Whole Foods I was supposed to be buying my Eco-friendly products I so wanted.

So I think I will live without the products or order online!

I will not be visiting Whole Foods anytime soon!

And as far as I am concerned I will not be buying bananas!

Isaiah LOVES bananas and will eat many during the day

SO

Hubs will have to be the banana-buyer-extraordinaire since I don't know if grocery stores would allow me to enter in full body armor!

Some of you may think I am going overboard but if you know me at all you know

I HATE SPIDERS!

You can read my funny encounters with the demon spawn here!

In my mind the story would have gone a little like this if I would have been there:

Our top story tonight is about the near death of a woman at a local grocery store. The lady was seen walking the store when she stopped to pick up some bananas. She screamed at the top of her lungs while running, jumping and flailing her arms about yelling for someone to get "it" off of her. Thinking the woman was having a mental breakdown the crowd stood still. Suddenly the woman was gasping for air and holding her throat. EMSA arrived to find the woman having a panic attack with a spider lying next to her. The evil spawn limped over to the woman, bit her on the arm then died. Turns out the spider was harmless but scared and as the saying goes, "Sometimes they are more scared of you then you are of them!"

In this case, she SCARED the spider to death!

So SEE sometimes overreacting is GOOD!!

Needless to say I was rather excited to see the news the following evening when they aired this update.

Take that you nasty demon spawn you!!!!

THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER....NOT IN MY EYES

Well I finally decided to break out the winter clothes and pack up the summer clothes. I have three plastic rolling stackable bins in our closet so we can store them under our hanging neatly and out of the way! In my mind the boxes should remain moth and spider free but no such luck. I took down all the summer clothes, folded them and stacked them on the closet floor so I could take out the winter clothes and hang them up. Well I sit on the floor, pull out the bin and begin sorting when out of the corner of my eye I see what to most would appear to be an itsy bitsy spider.....not to me. In my eyes I see a spider looking at me as the murderer of all its forespiders and their evil spawn so I jump around searching for something to kill with and scream for fear it will hide and I will not be able to finish trading out the seasonal clothes. I successfully kill the spider before it hides and anxiously complete the switch. Why is a woman my size so afraid of the itsy bitsy spider? Hell if I know I just am ok....seriously frightened!! So afterwards I am sorting through a mound of papers and carry them to put in the trash, set them on the counter and out crawls a spider. Needless to say I was done cleaning for the week!

MY PANIC ATTACK

This can not possibly be happening to me! Why? What are the odds? I've never even talked to anyone else who has experienced this trauma. This could cause me to breakdown soon. It happened again! I am not lying, exaggerated and in no possible way is this humorous to me!! If you read my blog you know this happened last year then again a couple of nights ago and it happened again! I am in TOTAL disbelief! At least I have a witness this time so they can't all say I am crazy! About 15 minutes ago I was relaxing watching So You Think You Can Dance amazed by the dancing abilities of the young dancers wishing I could do the same when I spotted a spider. It was not as large as they have been so I took a deep breath took off my flip flop and hit it. Oh dear Lord above are you just punishing me for something by constantly using my fear of spiders!!! IT HAPPENED AGAIN! If this has happened to anyone other than me please let me know so I can not feel so alone and weird. Little tiny baby spiders flew everywhere! I was hitting them with the flip flop but the little bit of air from me frantically swatting the shoe was sending the tiny things in all directions. I screamed about five times for Martez - nothing! I decided to go get the windex and when I returned I sprayed the babies and when I went to spray the momma spider she was GONE! All I can say is !@$#%$^!#$#!@%^!!!! Right about then when I am in full panic mode - looking everywhere, hopping around, shaking and breathing extremely fast! This has never happened to me before but I think my thoughts of the spiders taking over no matter how irrational are becoming overwhelming! This just doesn't happen to anyone especially not THREE times!!!!! Seriously! Martez walks in from locking our outside gate and I went in to hysterical mode and made him move all furniture around the area until we found her, killed her and the rest of her demon spawn. The exterminator is getting my call 1st thing in the morning because my next Friday appointment is NOT soon enough and if they can't come tomorrow then I will call every exterminator in town until I find one that can. If I don't find one who can come tomorrow I may need to search for a doctor who does house calls for heavy sedation in the obviously high possibility it happens to me again!!!! I am not going to say it can't happen again because I said that the first and second time and it still happened a third time so I am keeping my mouth shut. That reminds me - I begin thinking each time this happens that if I hadn't killed each one of those momma spiders and the hundreds of little spiderlings they would be EVERYWHERE just multiplying uncontrollably. Which then in turn brings me to the awful fact my friend Melanie told me awhile back - did you know humans occasionally swallow spiders in their sleep and it adds up over your lifetime? How evil is she to tell me that?!?!!? Imagine how many spiders I have swallowed in the past year alone living in the "Spider Breeding Grounds"! @!$!#%$@!@ Well I am going to brush my teeth no telling how many spider guts are there from accidentally biting down in my sleep then I am going to duct tape my mouth shut and go to bed! Right about now is where Melanie being her sweet self comments me to tell me "Don't worry if you tape your mouth shut they'll just go in your ears or up your nose!" So thank you Mel in advance for the thoughtful comment I know you will send me!!!

NOT AGAIN!

If you read my blog or know me even a little, you know I have an immense fear of spiders! Do they really have a purpose other than to crawl around making webs everywhere and scaring people? NO! Well it happened to me again and I can't believe it. This morning at 1:48am I was attacked by the little demon spawn. I was walking, barefoot mind you, through my living room to take Moose our dog out and don't ask me why I don't exactly know why all the sudden he wanted to go out. I saw a brown blob on the floor and thought it might be a spider. I kept walking thinking it wasn't then turned to take a second glance. I got creeped out at the fact I could've stepped on it with my barefoot. Guess who won't be barefoot in the dark anymore - ME! Anyway I grabbed my husband's shoe and hit the spider then low and behold it happened. Little spiders ran everywhere! If you've read my previous spider blog you know wolf spiders carry their spiderlings on their back and this exact situation happened to me before. I flipped! I gasped for air like I had been drowning in a pool, hit the hundreds of spiders who were running desperately for their little evil lives but there were too many and they just still kept running everywhere. I am itching everywhere just talking about this! I was yelling expletives I wouldn't normally say and hopping around like a kid on hot cement. A little "honey are you okay?" came from my room. "Hell no I am not ok, does it sound like I am ok" I yell back. Does he come to rescue me? NO! "Is it a spider?" he replies. "Well I would hope that it's not a murderer since you aren't running in to save me and NO it is not A spider it is hundreds of them trying to carry me off to spiderland!" "So did you kill them?" he asked. NO answer from me! Needless to say I wasn't happy at all!!!!! Note to husbands: if your wife is gasping for air, beating something and screaming expletives, RUN don't walk to help her! Don't just lay in bed! What is funny to me is we rarely ever argue and I know people say that all the time but we really don't however this really ticked me off! I am SERIOUSLY scared of spiders and he knows this plus he was awake! That's it, nothing else well scorpions but what are the chances they would be in my house! Not heights, not snakes, nothing else so why can't I have a family full of my very own spider killers not just my five year old son who is unable to help me in the wee hours of night. I guess that would be why I am calling the exterminator today! I asked myself over and over and over again WHY! Then my mind just went nuts: Does this happen to everyone? What are the odds that in one year I would have to kill two mother wolf spiders with hundreds of tiny creepy vermon on their backs besides the normal spiders I have to kill? Why couldn't this one have just been in the garage like the other one? Are their more momma spiders with babies IN MY house? Why did God create spiders? Do I have a tiny sign in front of the house that says "Welcome to spider breeding grounds"? If I wouldn't have killed her and the babies would I literally have hundreds of wolf spiders in my house who would then in turn make hundreds more and they would just take over? Ooooooo...that one did it! By now it was 3:15 am, my legs, ears, nose, arms everything was red from my nails digging at the creepy crawlies that had taken over my body. I jumped in the shower and scrubbed like never before! I am a little tired today and still a little bitter that no one came to my rescue!

THE CREEPY CRAWLIES

Hang on this one will probably be long! The only ones who will appreciate this one are Melanie who knows me TOO well and anyone who shares my fear of spiders!! So it was a typical monday at work yesterday. Some freak glitch in the computer screwed up inventory so I have to do the orders by hand, we are shorthanded and two people are at lunch. We have a scorpion at work that had 14 babies that lay on their mothers back. The mom is black and all the little babies are white and it looks really creepy!! I don't like scorpions. So this little girl comes up to me looking all sad saying she thinks the scorpion and the babies are dead. Knowing the scorpion is probably sitting there tired of holding 14 babies on her back - who wouldn't be - I tell the little girl this. Her and her grandmother say they've been watching it for a while and none of them have moved. Well I try to get out of the situation saying I don't have a key to the room while I am pulling the door. As luck would have it, it wasn't locked so I said oh well I'll go check. I searched frantically for something to poke the scorpion with to make it move but knowing I can't hurt the scorpion because for some odd reason the little girl is really concerned. As luck would have it again there wasn't anything in there. So I decided to just stick my hand in there and gently move the piece of wood in the cage. The freaking thing moved all right and raised it's pincher thing. So I jumped out of my skin, screamed and ran out of the room which looked highly professional by the way!! But it made the little girl happy - I don't know which made her happier me running and letting out a little scream of terror or the fact that the scorpion and its babies were alive! This experience reminded me of my "SPIDER NIGHT OF TERROR"! Do do do do!! So here is the real story I intended on telling: I have a great fear of spiders! I don't mind snakes or lizards except tokay geckos but I really have a serious fear of spiders even the tiny ones. Well awhile back we were having a big problem with REALLY big spiders in our house. They were wolf spiders and man were they big. We had the house exterminated and still had big spiders. Man they were big at first I thought they were tarantulas until I learned they were wolf spiders. They jumped at us when we tried to kill them. Talk about terrified!! So I was going out to the garage to do some laundry at about 1am one morning because I never sleep. There was an unusually larger spider sitting on a ledge and I decided instead of killing the spider I was going to trap it in some kind of container to prove to everyone how big our spiders were and to show the exterminator who I was going to have come out again!! Okay so after staring at the nasty thing for a long while trying to get up enough courage to get the spider in the container before it devoured me, I discovered something on its back about an inch tall. I couldn't figure out what it was so I knocked it off the ledge to go into the container and ##$!%!%#$!#. I couldn't believe my eyes there were little tiny tiny baby spiders going everywhere. Hundreds of them literally!! Imagine my terror!! Little did I know momma wolf spiders can carry like 300 babies or something on their back! I threw the lid on the container and shook in fear and disbelief. Then all I could think of was to kill them all. I grabbed every spray I could get my hands on and sprayed it all over the area killing the tiny little demon spawn!! Then all I could think was all these tiny tiny babies were going to escape the container so I had to spray inside the container and the mom jumped I jumped but I reigned!! They all died! I had to take a shower because I felt like they were crawling all over me! I left the container in the garage with a protective barrier of pestisides around the container to catch any escapees. Long long story short the exterminator came out again and I proved how big our spiders really were and that I wasn't exaggerating! Man I hate those creepy crawly critters!! It could be worse though my son used to be afraid of black crickets because my husband once told him they were bad luck! He got over that though when my mom told him they make great pets and now he catches them all and tries to keep them! Thanks mom!! I never realized how many black crickets were around until we had a bunch of cricket pets!! We also have a black cricket cemetary!!