Dear Annoying Spider......

Dear Annoying Spider,

First off I feel you should know I hate spiders.  Not prejudiced by your undying attempt to annoy me....I hate you all big and small.  Secondly, you should know I am not a morning person.  I am not necessarily grouchy or mean just extremely sleepy and want to be left alone.  I get up around 5am daily and want my peace.  My only peace is I don't have to get the kids up and ready at the butt crack of dawn too! 

For weeks you have managed to make a web between my husband's truck and mine.  For weeks, I have walked through this web each and every morning when leaving for work.  The first couple of times I was grossed out and flailed my arms about while gagging.  I hate spiders!  I hate the feeling of walking through a web then freak out at the fact that the spider might be on me.  My only peace has been obviously you were not on me since you manage to rebuild the web nightly. 

After weeks of this morning ritual, one would think the spider would give up or the human aka moi would realize the routine and look for the web instead of walking through the web!  I began to think you were stupid.  Seriously, how many times will you rebuild the web before you give up?  Then I thought.......wow I am an idiot!!  How many times am I going to walk through it?  In my defense......soooooo not the morning person and the brain doesn't fully kick in until at least 7am when I begin my workday.  I grew to admire your tenacity and smarts realizing I was the stupid one.  I began to resent you for your smarts!  I would think about you everyday while driving to work and secretly still freaking out that you might be on me.  Then I began to anticipate the webs in hopes that the web would verify you never actually touched me when I walked through the web the day before!  Insanity I know!   You took over my morning thoughts for way too long each morning especially since I am giant compared to you.  Then I would feel stupid giving you too much thought!  You can only imagine how stupid I feel writing you a letter!  I began to wonder if somehow this was a hilarious game for you.  You probably built the web, invited over some of your little spidey friends to see the stupid human lady walk through the web then freak out!  I bet you laughed plenty at my expense.

Well I am here to tell you I have won the battle and am here to say I have been victorious.  Typing that sentence cracks me up since it was a battle against a spider that in my thoughts is no larger than the head of a pin.  Any larger and I could still freak out!!  I have beat you at your game!  I am the bigger of the two - like that wasn't obvious!  Since I don't know where you actually live and watch me from afar I thought I would let you know....if I find you, I will kill you.  For now I have decided I will be backing my truck in nightly so I will no longer have to walk through your nasty webs to get into my car!  Yes, it may have taken me a while to figure out a solution but I did it!  Leave me alone!

Sincerely,

The giant compared to you lady who took weeks to beat you at your game.  I will remain anonymous to you to avoid scrutiny over the fact that it took me weeks to outsmart you......I am blaming fear!