TORN ~ THE BATTLE BETWEEN ME, MYSELF AND I

I have been battling something for quite some time. My parents closed their business April 2 and I have been unemployed ever since. I was excited for a bit at the thought of maybe getting to stay home with the boys for the summer. I looked up all kinds of local activities and free things for us to do together. The original plan was to stay home for the summer then return to work when school started. Chances are I would be taking a pay cut and with the boys being out of school, the all day daycare for two boys would probably eat up anything I would have been making. The original plan has changed for two reasons. The first is financially the unemployment benefits just aren't cutting it. The second is I am losing my mind.

I don't which is worse.

Being a stay at home mom and going nuts

OR

the guilt I have for not wanting to be a stay at home mom.

I NEVER had this guilt while working so why do I have it now.

I don't love my kids ANY less than a happy SAHM does and that I can guarantee!

Many times I have posted that I am not the stay at home mom type unless I had access to unlimited funds to shop and do whatever we wanted. I have got tons of needed cleaning and organizing done but there is still plenty more I can do. We do activities but in an effort to save money we don't really go anywhere. I am doing my part by staying home to save money but I just feel trapped then I feel guilty for feeling that way.



I just keep thinking to myself...."Self, do you know how many working Moms in America would die to be able to have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom? You have it so enjoy it!"

I try to look at being unemployed as a positive for right now and cherish the time I have with my beautiful boys but it is getting harder and harder as the summer rolls on. I am literally counting the days until they go back to school and hoping I find a job away from home VERY VERY SOON! I know in my mind the guilt is just the devil playing mind games but I can't help but think I am a bad mom for not wanting to stay home. I NEVER felt guilty for being a working Mother because I didn't really have much of a choice. However, my job afforded me the ability to still take the kids to school every morning, volunteer at their schools, attend class trips and parties and to see them right after they got out of school. It was like I had the best of both worlds....just call me Hannah Montana! I cherished my time with the boys more when our time was more limited although at the time I don't think I realized it. I am there from the time they open their eyes in the morning until they close them at night. I know that is my job as a mother but I truly believe working to pay for the house they live in and the food they eat is my responsibility too. They are driving me nuts. They are bored. I am bored. We have friends' over SEVERAL days a week which just adds to the commotion. I hate commotion! I hate excessive noise! Wow I am losing it folks! It comes down to this........when I don't spend 24/7 with my children, I value my time with them more and I honestly believe I am a better mother. I am not saying being a working Mom was easy and yes things were hectic but I feel like I am drowning. I feel trapped! I feel like a horrible Mother for even thinking it let alone blogging about it but I need to vent and you are my victims. I am in no way looking for pity, sympathy or "No you are a great Mom!" nods ~ I am just venting! I know in my mind that I am a great Mother and have done a great job of raising my children but my heart aches for not loving this opportunity to spend every waking moment with them. Yes we have done fun things. We've gone to the "whyberry" as Zay says it. We've been on play dates. We've gone swimming and to the splash pad. I was able to take them to swimming lessons this year. We've done crafts, watched movies, played outside when it isn't 150 degrees in the shade. The boys play outside every morning and every evening.......I am telling you....IF allowed they would live outside......NOTE TO SELF: find a CHEAP tent!! I think the fact that we are no longer "financially comfortable" plays a huge role too. While talking to my friend the other day, I said I think it is easier to be broke for a long time than to be comfortable for so long then be broke. We are used to doing things. We are used to eating out a couple of times a week. BUT I've come to realization ~ that is why we are where we are today! We did not SAVE as much as we SHOULD have and enjoyed what we had a little too much! We saved, just not enough! LESSON LEARNED!

I feel bad by saying I am not the "stay-at-home Mom type" but I am not. I know I will probably get many comments for that statement. I know there are Mothers out there who would have it no other way and there are Mothers who just wish they could but ME.......I NEED A JOB FOR MY SANITY and the boys' agree. Just the other night we were at my brother's house for my niece's 15th birthday party and the boys were so happy to see people other than me it was ridiculous!! They ask EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. MANY. TIMES. A. DAY. to go to Meme and Papa's, Uncle Rob's or "Turt" and Karen's house. When my Mom and Dad showed up they were so excited. Zay sat in my Mom's lap for awhile and when she asked, "Do you like Mommy staying home with you for the summer?" Zay answered with a confident, "No!" However, when asked if he loved me he answered with a confident, "Yes!" So there you have it folks ~ yes, my kids love me but they no longer like being around me!! How freaking sad is that!! I must say though the feeling is becoming mutual and we need many many days apart to "miss" each other again! I am not enjoying it like I should I know. I love my kids and would do anything in the world for them but I now know I AM A BETTER MOM WHEN I AM WORKING AND HAVE TIME FOR ME! Wow does that sound too selfish? THE SOLUTION: a long retail therapy session by myself with unlimited funds (I LOVE RETAIL THERAPY!), a manicure, pedicure, massage, a trip away with my girls AND A NICE LONG FAMILY VACATION!! This is the first time we've stayed home for this long! Ok ok I am done repeating myself over and over and since we have no money for any of the above......I am off to read "whyberry" books to the boys.......it's ok you all know I'll be back in a bit!