A THOUSAND WORDS THURSDAY: THE SECRET LETTER

Dear Tez,

Today you turn 15 years old! Wow how time flies! You will never read this letter since I am writing it more to get things off of my chest that I can not say to you at this age. We met a little over 8 years ago not long before you turned 7. You were so much smaller then and did not eat much at all. The only things you ate were macaroni n' cheese with sugar on it {{gaggaggagagag}}, corn dogs, hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches. Before you met me, you hadn't even eaten a piece of pizza. You now eat an array of foods...well I guess I should say you have tried an array of foods although to hear it from you some would think you are allergic to vegetables. Ha! You are handsome with a beautiful and contagious smile like your Father. I love your smile when you get embarrassed and don't know what to say and I love your smile when you realize how proud we are of you. You came to live with us when you were almost 8 but your Mother got angry over some small matter and took you back. The State leans toward the biological Mother in custody issues. At the time, we had no money to hire an attorney to fight for custody and boy do we regret that now. Over the years you made your regular visits all the while you and your mother definitely had your issues.

About two years ago she decided she did not like the "label" the school system had given you since you started school. No one wants their kid to have to be "labeled" but you have to accept it and move on to get them the help they so desperately need. Sometimes the labels are a necessary evil. She yanked you out of the special needs programs you were in and put you into the mainstream classes without informing us. The only thing this did is prove the school system was 100 % right. Your grades dropped tremendously and you began to get into trouble since now kids were making fun of you because you were not on level. She also decided that if she was tired then you did not have to go to school. For several months, you only attended two to three times per week which only made your situation worse. Of course, she was not telling us all of this until the calls started from the school. The last call was them telling us you needed to be picked up because you had been suspended the day before so you were not supposed to be on school property. They tried calling your Mother who was only one mile from the school and she told them to call your Father b/c she was tired of dealing with it and didn't know what to do. Taking you to school and putting you where you needed to be would've been a good start but in her eyes she had done the right thing. Your Father called me in a seriously bad mood saying he was leaving work to get you from school. I knew he would not be able to talk calmly to the Principal simply b/c he was so angry with your Mother for letting it come to this point without us knowing. We had been lied to for a very long time! I told him to stay at work and I would handle the situation the best I could. Upon my arrival I learned that not only had you been yanked out of your special classes because of her ego but you were not suspended. You had been expelled and were being sent to alternative school the following week. I was so shocked because you are not a bad kid. You were put in a bad situation and were falling even further behind. At the time the alternative school was getting its fair share of bad publicity and I was not about to let you be sent there without a fight only to get lost in the system that probably would not offer the courses you needed. I asked to speak to the Principal, Vice Principal and Counselors immediately and I was not leaving until I had an acceptable resolution because I was not going to let you fall through the cracks. They heard me and I was so excited. I had a mere 24 hours to pull some major strings actually less if you just count the hours of operation of the places I had to go. I had to file guardianship papers with the courts, go to the courthouse, withdrawal you from one district, enroll you into another district AND get you into the special classes that you needed. If I could do this before end of school the next day, then they would totally erase the matter and you would be ready for a fresh start with nothing on your permanent school record. I was angry, sad, scared, proud and stressed but I was willing to this do for YOU! I explained this to your Mother who and I quote said, "You can have him, where do I sign!" Now some would say she was doing this for you but I will have you know this is not true. She did not want the responsibility anymore. Your Father should have fixed things when you were little and he would go to pick you up only to find you strapped in a car seat in front of the television. Alas, he was young, stupid and broke so he did not know what to do besides love you with all of his heart and try to make the system work. Don't even get me started on the system! I think the school agreed to the terms thinking I could not get every thing done within their time line! Wrong! I managed to get everything done by 11am the next morning and then you had to go back to her house when the huge ice storm struck a few days later and we were without power. I have been to countless school meetings, 3 IEP meetings (not fun!), dentist appts., eye doctor appts., many court hearings, meeting with the lawyers, we are still paying child support even though for over 15months WE HAVE HAD CUSTODY and I totally rearranged my schedule to make sure you get to and from school EVERY DAY ON TIME! While you were with her you had actually missed more school than you had attended and this was alright in her eyes. NOW you have missed a total of three days in two years!! I think you resented us for awhile believing we "took" you away from your Mother who you are very attached to but your Mother willingly and excitedly gave you up. She showed up saying, "Where do I sign?" and repeatedly asked when it would all be done like she could not wait for it all to be legally out of her hands. We never asked for a dime of child support FROM HER as long as we could just get you into a better environment and school. I am not saying this to get Mom of the year but I have a simple request ~ when people naturally refer to me as your Mother don't give them a dirty look and rudely say, "SHE IS NOT MY MOM!" I know you like me but it sure does NOT seem that way in the moment. I have never tried to take your Mother's place but I am definitely doing HER duties as a Mother and I believe I love you more than she ever could because I don't think I could excitedly sign away any child of mine even if it was for their own good. A Mother should never want to lose her child! It hurts me every time you do it! I am an adult and I have been silent but it kills me like you would be ashamed to be my child. I have never resorted to talking trash about your Mother to you or in front of you for the simple fact that I would never want you to resent me for it. At times I think you need the whole truth and nothing but the truth but not from me. I have faith that one day in the future you will realize I have been more of a "Mother" to you then she ever has or probably ever will. I have to have this faith so my heart doesn't break. I have faith that one day you will love me like I am your Mother even though I am not well not naturally. Most of the time she doesn't even want you on her weekends but I make excuses for her so you don't get hurt. I am tired of making those excuses but you hold her in such high regard that I know it would kill you to know the truth. I guess you will have to figure it out on your own. I think at times you know but you just are in denial.

I took you in willingly and I treat you like my own. You are earning all A's and B's now and I am prouder than ever of the young man you have become. You have never been a "bad" kid at least not around us and we knew you could do it if given the right opportunities, boundaries, environment and LOVE. We never had the problems that your Mother has reported but I know it is not all her because I am sure you had to act out to get attention. You are a good, kind, loving and RESPECTFUL young man. People compliment us as parents all the time because of how well you behave and how respectful you are. Yes, you get in trouble from time to time and you are extremely moody but find me a teenager that never gets in trouble or isn't moody and I'll give you a million dollars! Well you know far too well I don't have a million BUT you get the point. I don't necessarily need you to call me Mom or say to others that I am BUT I do wish you wouldn't get so offended when people naturally think I am your Mother. I do everything for you that a Mother is supposed to do and more just like I do with your little brothers and people do NOT automatically know your situation. I am proud of you son and I love you dearly! I just wish you could love me and be proud of me too!

Love always,

Angela

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